Say It

Say that you want me,
say you'll never let me go,
say you won't do me,
like the one before you.
Tell me you need me,
you could want no one else,
you love me with all your heart,
we'll never be apart.

When the road gets bumpy,
and I know not where I'm going
say you're here with me,
it doesn't matter,
as long as we're together.
Say you'll hold my hand
and make me feel better,
no matter the weather.

Stop me from going crazy,
from running away,
from going in circles,
with my life on display.
from hurting myself,
from hurting you.
Say that you want me,
nothing else you can do.

Who's In Control?

One morning I woke up, and I did not roll out of bed. I hit snooze, and then I hit snooze again. I wanted the day to go back to sleep so I would not have to deal with it. My life felt like it was out of control. I wanted to call in sick to work just so I wouldn't have to leave the safety and comfort of my warm, unchallenging, unchanging, (horribly structured), Vera Wang bed.

I had everything I wanted, or so I thought. I had the bachelor's degree I wanted from UW-Stout, I had the Graphic Design degree I wanted from DCTC. I had the husband I had wanted so desperately since I was able to realize people loved and got married, and I had the house that I picked out, I took care of, and I could call my own. It seemed that the only decisions left were, where do I want to go with my career, do I want kids, and where should we go on vacation if we choose to go? Yet despite all of the above, I did not want to deal with the perfectly beautiful day I had been blessed with.

Eventually I dragged myself out of bed and forced myself to get up and go to work, where I would contemplate my life day in and day out. Something was wrong, and needed to change. I could not remain the person I was, if I wanted to live a happy and fulfilling life. Six months later, I had lost my husband, lost my house, and lost my (horribly structured) Vera Wang bed. The verdict was change.

Though I lost the status of wife, home owner, and (horribly structured) Vera Wang bed owner, I am free to do whatever I want, and to make my own decisions and growth. I have already taken a step further into adulthood. I am forced to challenge myself and to make decisions I have never had to make before. I know more about money, and how I want to spend my time, than I ever did before, because I'm in control of my life.

While there are still many things to figure out about myself and my future, I realize that this is part of the adventure of life. Life is a game. We play it through to the end, and we shouldn't take it too seriously because a new round will begin after this one ends.

How Long Is Too Long?

I've been away from this blog for some time now. I couldn't get my work to post so I gave up. Today is a new day, and I thought I'd try again. If this goes through, new thoughts, and work will soon be posted.

Dreamt of Awakening

I dreamt a dream,
This dreamer did.
I dreamt a dream,
From love I hid.
I dreamt a dream,
I was too scared.
I dreamt a dream,
I was unprepared.
I dreamt a dream,
I didn't stay.
I dreamt a dream,
I pushed him away.
I dreamt a dream,
I fought so hard.
I dreamt a dream,
The Queen was my card.

I came awake,
I found him there.
I came awake,
I began to care.
I came awake,
I bared my soul.
I came awake,
I found my goal.
I came awake,
I had some fun.
I came awake,
I saw the sun.
I came awake,
I did not run.
I came awake,
He was the one.

Patricia Ambers
5/7/2011

Writing It Down

For the life of me I will never understand how a thought or an idea can be in my head one moment and gone in the next. Dreams I understand. You are in a different part of your mind when you are dreaming so when you reenter the living, breathing world, it is only right that you leave the dreamland behind.

In my dreams I am hunted. Not every night any longer, but some nights still. Some nights I scream and cry in my sleep. Some nights I think I may not wake up because of the horrible things that have happened to me in my dreams that do not seem like dreams.

Lucky for me those dreams were never real live nightmares. Unlucky is the fact that I can think of a great story idea and write the entire thing in my head but then moments later I no longer remember the whole story and am unable to write it down.

I've written you a poem,
a poem you'll surely like
it's about the cruelties
of your dream world
and of your real life.
In real life you're not popular
no one knows your name
in dreams you are hunted
and always take the blame.
in the real world you are taunted
in dreamland you are stabbed
in the real world you are tripped
in the dreamland you are grabbed
in both worlds you are mistaken
if you think that it will end
in both worlds you are mistaken
if you think you can defend.
If both worlds are so different?
then why can't you say goodnight?
If both worlds are so different...
why do you fear the light?
They say a dream is a dream
and in your real life you can escape
if this is so true,
then what do you do
when you feel the pain still
after you wake.

T. Markin 3/18/10

It rolls off the tongue like swear words to a sailor. I can write poems, but stories seem to be a bit more of a problem for me. I'm going to do it though. I'm going to find a way to write the book I've been trying to finish for the past couple of years. Some how i will find the right idea and hold tight to it and run with it like a kite taking flight in the wind. This is my time.. I need to shine... "I thought I told ya, Imma Star, you see this ice.. you see the cars.. flashing lights everywhere we are...everywhere we are." - Jeremih

When "We" become "I"

Sometimes things are not what we believe they are. We think we know how life is, we think we know what's in front of us and we rely on our hearts and our vows to hold strong and true. We believe that we will make it, we will be survivors. What we don't know is that sometimes we survive alone and not together.

Alone, even when we're never alone, a person can feel alone. Human nature is not big on loneliness. We thrive on our experiences with one another. Our social lives would not exist if we didn't rely on others to interact with us. The question is, how do you know what the next step is when you find yourself split in two? When there is no more "We" only "I".

I loved him from day one. His sad gray eyes and his tendency to sport a "Loner" sign. I wanted to know what made him tick. Why he was how he was. If there was more to him than that slightly depressive look that he had while he was walking through the halls at school with his Green backpack in tow and his massive headphones on with discman in hand. I'm sure that Nirvana had to have been playing. Why wouldn't they be? His life was as melancholy as Kurdt Cobain's end, or so it would appear he believed it to be.

I followed him to my first English class of freshman year. I immaturely made faces at him during class to see if that sadness could invert. It did. He looked at me and made a face back. It was childish I know, but we didn't care. It was the beginning of something that neither one of us knew how to control. I fell in love with him over the scoldings of Mr. K. We would meet everyday before school and then in between classes. On weekends we would go to each others homes and hang out listening to music, watching movies like Airplane and Hot Shots. He loved comedy yet the irony was that his life was anything but.

That first summer I had my tonsils out, I was full of spit and vinegar toward the situation. I blamed my parents, well, mostly my mom. I didn't want to do this, surgery terrifies me. I was forced under the knife to put it dramatically. I lived. But when I came to I was greeted by a call of sadness from him. His parents were separating. We speculated frequently about how this could happen. Why would this happen? What was the cause? He claimed he had no idea it was coming and now I know that for most people it would be hard to not notice but for him, it makes sense. They divorced and remarried and life went on but many wounds were not healed.

We broke up in January. He didn't care if I was in his life it appeared. I wanted attention. I wanted to feel loved and desired. Some things he did showed this, but others didn't. I was young but i knew that there had to be more passion. Not a day didn't go by that I didn't want him back. But then he no longer wanted me. He found someone else with as much distaste for life and the world as he had. Her name isn't important but to those involved and she knows who she is. She doesn't know how much I hated her those days, even though it wasn't her fault that he wanted to be with her. He hated me for my decisions at that time as well. One guy in particular showed me he wanted my attention and that burned him up inside. He hated him. He brings it up still 15 years later. What for? It was high school.

Years past and relationships for me came and went but he never left my mind. One day it was time to say goodbye. I wrote him a letter. College was coming and i wanted to leave with a clear head and conscience that I did all I could. I told him I wished him the best and good luck. Before I left I met another guy. This guy was the thorn in my side for five months. Of course when the new guy came along, at that point my long lost love decided he wanted me back. I told him no. It was now his turn to wait. Five months later I'd had enough of the vanity king and decided to reignite my old flame. Now he wanted me.

We caught fire and people made comments like "you two are so sickeningly cute together," and we both loved it. We believed we loved one another. We decided to get married. He didn't help with any of the planning really. A clue perhaps. No one commented on whether or not they thought we should be together. That entire time I thought people believed we were a match.

The wedding day came and it was like a satire in some ways. I was in my own world thinking. When we saw each other that day for the first time I remember thinking "his reaction is not as excited as I thought it would be." After the ceremony it was like we went our separate ways, he hung out with the boys as we went to a bar downtown. Then at the reception we ate together and did the traditional dances together but most of the night he was at the bar with the boys. The first dance song skipped. My sister in-law to be's mother bitched me out and I'd never met her before that day; he didn't protect me. I was blind. But not to what happened to me. My night was ruined all because of mettlesome in-laws. Not a very good start to a marriage. It took years to get over that to some degree.

We moved to Hudson and started our married life. He didn't want me. I Loved him, but he hadn't been the same since that last semester of school. I thought it was stress. It was more. The melancholy boy from high school was still hanging around and his strength was growing.

He was no longer the man I fell in love with. I found myself right back in the same situation I was in during high school. Leaving because he could live without me.

What happened over the five years of marriage, really doesn't matter. In the end a marriage cannot work if love and passion and a desire for one another is not present. You need to put your health and well being first but after that your spouse should be number one. If you can let love walk out the door without a single protest, even through melancholy eyes. You didn't need that person after all.

Walking away from the past is not easy. It's painful knowing you didn't want to go but you have no choice because the person you fell in love with no longer cares. One might argue that it could have worked. It could have been fixed. To fix it would have required him to say something like "I need you to help me through this, I love you." Instead it is silence that kills.

I come away from this with the knowledge that he may have never loved me. I may never gain true understanding or closure of what happened. I also know that there are people in my life who love me more than he ever did. I know that despite the pain and heartache inside, i will be okay because I am tough. I have been through a lot and I always find a way to resurface and I hope that he does too.

Goodbye To Love

Three sheets to the wind
and again i hear your name
rings out in the night
like the anger and the blame
bottled up inside
just waiting to explode
feelings so frantic
maybe this time they'll implode.

Can't get past
all the anger and pain
Washing right over me
Like a torrent of icy rain
It breaks the skin
It scars me so deep
maybe tomorrow
I'll finally get some sleep.

You think that I don't notice
you think that i don't care
you think this game that you keep playing
is only right and fair
but those days that you don't come home to me
those days I lay here and cry
On those days and many others
i think perhaps it all was a lie.

So breaking me down
Forgetting about the past
you throw it all away
like an empty broken glass
and you let it slip through the cracks
and you let it become obsolete
but the scars they won't heal
and you'll still get no sleep.

You'll remember me tomorrow
the next day and for life
the way you said goodbye to me
you let go of your only wife.
Wasn't i the creature
to whom you said I do?
Wasn't I your lover?
Wasn't any of it true?

Goodbye my lovely,
Goodbye my friend
Goodbye to our forever
Goodbye is the end.
Walking out the door today,
Walking out for life.
Goodbye and goodnight,
Love, Your Ex Wife.

By Patricia Markin 12/31/10

Let Me Live

One hand held out, one pulled the other way.
A head turned to look at the damage,
A voice said what it had to say.
Nothing dealt like a hand for life.
Nothing to gain or lose insight.
A twist of the head from side to side
A thought, a memory, a truth, a lie.
A reason to live, a reason to die.

A want, a need, a desire fulfilled.
A dream forever dying and killed.
A pair of lips so soft and true,
A pair of eyes speaking get what's due.
A twist of fate for thought you're free,
A twist of fate with a broken scene.
A path not tread, a path untrue,
a path that says walk... just do.

A moment lost but yet been found
Come and get me, bring me down.
Come and help me, hold me high.
Come and get me,
Don't let me die.
Don't let me scorn what love could be
Don't let me go without a dream,
Hold me warm like the suns true beam.

By Patricia Markin 8/10/10

Gone

Gone, gone into the night
Without a word
Just out of sight
Without a warning
without a care
Just no one home,
Just no one there?
Not a key left in the lock
Not a minute ticked on the clock
No one's car was in the port
Just gone away without retort.

By: Tricia Markin
3/30/10

Say Yes

I'll take you now
I'll make you scream
I'll leave tomorrow
but never your dreams
You'll miss me always
Crave my attention
You'll never be alone
when it comes to affection
I'll ware you out
I'll give you a run for your money
You'll call me your love
Your sweet and your honey.
You'll beg for more,
Love will never be done,
You'll desire my lips
whenever I'm gone.
I'll never miss a beat
cause you're my Baby,
We're the perfect mates,
just don't say maybe.

-Tricia Markin
3/29/10

Love's True Vow

She walked through the hall with her purse at her side
A gown made of silk and the purest of light.
Light on her step she was drawn 'cross the room
Love waited there for her, silhouetted by the moon.

He held out a hand and she took it with a smile,
He spun her around and they glided on for awhile.
Guiding her through the room with the stars as their light,
the moment was perfect and their love was just right.

He the perfect gent to save her broken spirit
He whispered soft words and soothed her fears with them
He offered his soul and every beat of his heart
Always to love her and never to part.

He leaned in close and kissed her red lips
She saw the future with a single glimpse
She was taken by him in the spell he had cast
She knew that their future mattered more than their past.

With a single bow he bent and he stated
With this single kiss I believe our hearts have been sated.
Take my hand and I'll take you home
Never again shall we two be alone.

She nodded her head and he carried her away
She would wake in the morning to a new found day.
He'd love her tonight and seal their vow,
Forever to become her future and her now.

Sunshine's Heart

It came to me,
a tale of thee.
A lovesick darling girl.
She loved a man
with a smile and a plan
and he gave his heart to her.

The world, a smile
his love for a while
nothing could take that way.
She sang, they danced
he loved her and romanced
until it went astray.

Her heart faltered
there love altered
but only by her choice.
she fell away,
a moment and a day.
Would she ever find her voice?

The future untold...
to have and to hold...
what lover does is done?
Forever gone?
moving on?
whose heart hath been the sun.

Carrie/She Did

She woke to find he wasn't there.
She smiled, she laughed... she didn't care.
She screamed his name at the top of her lungs
And then she added: it's OVER, it's DONE!

No one would tell her that she wasn't good...
No one would darken her bright cheery mood.
He wouldn't hurt her feelings anymore,
She'd taken her things and walked out that door.

She was free...free at last!
Drop kicked his memory into the past.
Took all the pain and locked it away
NOTHING was going to get in her way.

-Tricia Markin 3/6/10

Tossed Aside

In the moonlight as she sat there
She remembered everything.
It's painful oh the memory as it goes
led deep into all things.
Never to live, never to love.
Always to be apart.
Broken down that memory lane
her car it would not start.
She revved her engine,
try as she might
she never got to the heart.
He'd never know and never care.
He'd never, ever want to be there.
He'd let it be and let it lie.
That love of there's, he'd let it die.
She'd walk away and cry her tears
She'd walk away with all her fears.
She'd walk away and that would be that.
Tossed aside like an old beat up hat.
- Tricia Markin
3/2/10

Someone Hit The Self Destruct

*This is a note to inform that this poem is a bit dark. You need not worry about me and my health, I have no desire to die.

Someone Hit The Self Destruct

She fell down on the ground, tripped and skinned her nose.
bruised her chest, scraped her wrist and cut one of her elbows.
Clumsy they would call her in her heart and in her soul.
In the physical she lacked some certain finesse and an angelic halo.
She couldn't do it right, most certainly she did it wrong.
She took way too much time and life was becoming too long.
She woke up on the wrong side in the right person's bed.
She couldn't get her whereabouts straight no matter what they said.
She was losing connection, understanding and her care.
Life most definitely was not hers and was not going to be fair.
She made the choice and used her voice and then in this, out she lucked.
She grabbed a chair a rope and her care and she hit the self destruct.

- Tricia Markin 3/1/10

Gone In The Night

Like the prick of a thorn, you pierced me through; the pain, the hurt, the sadness all true.
Never to leave, always to share, lost with one night... no word... no care.
Gone into the night, gone in your car. Frozen and alone, no way to stay calm.
You tossed it away like an old ripped up thing.
The friendship... the memories... the two little girls on the swings.
I'm saddened, I'm disheartened, I'm missing a friend.
Someone I thought would be there till the end.

-Tricia Markin

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day. La la la love. What does this day mean to you? Is it just a money making gimmick? A random reason to feel worthless because you can't find a significant other, or a reason to feel like everything is perfect because on this day love is in the air and anything can happen? Can we treat each other like crap all the other days of the year and then show how amazing we are on just this single day?

Walk down the street and look in wonder at the couples holding hands and canoodling. Getting ready for dinner, delivering flowers, gifting boxes of chocolates and whispering sweet nothings in one another's ear. Why? Because we want to feel special and loved. For some people it rights all the wrongs. For others its a joke not to be taken seriously.

To me, everyday should be Valentine's Day. Not just today, but tomorrow too. Show me the love and the random sweet gifts. Whisper how great I am to me before we walk into the mall. Tell me what you want to do to me tonight when we get home. Leave a random rose on the passenger seat so that when I get in I have that romantic, sweet gesture waiting for me. Why not? Why shouldn't we show our lovers how great they are every day? Some people are born with it. Others try to learn it. Some just don't care to put forth the effort. I think if you truly love someone and you really want to show your appreciation for one another that you won't need a holiday such as Valentine's day to express this. He/She will already know and feel fully loved every single day of the year.

I raise my glass to you Valentine's Day, you truly are the con artist who has duped us all into believing in a false sense of love and perfection. (not to say that I don't enjoy the celebration as much as most of the other silly saps out there, I'm right with you on this one.)

Monday

I have to say of all the days
I hate Monday the most.
Not Sunday or Tuesday or
even Wednesday,
Monday i hate the most.

The woes and whines
and awful times they come on day one
Not great not awesome not any fun
Monday, you have won.
I hate you Monday the most.

Nothing to say, nothing to boast
I hate Monday the most.

-Tricia Markin 2/8/10

A New Beat

Down, down, down she will go.
Where she will stop only she will know.
She tripped, she fell, she skinned her nose.
She bled a ribbon that dripped on a rose.

She lay there in a panic for hours
and then came night and quieted flowers.
she lost her will and all her power.
Nothing new but a greater cower.

Get up girl; the stars you will meet.
You'll feel their strength and forget defeat.
You'll find the future and march a new beat.
The cadence will propel you and always and forever will taste so sweet.

Tricia Markin 2/8/10

A Noise In The Night

One night I awoke
to hear a sound
but when I looked
no one was around

Alone in the dark
eyes wide shut
nothing to calm
my hearts loud thud

A footstep or a door creak?
An animal about?
Frozen in silence
A moment of doubt.

Look to the North
to the East and the West
A prayer far from the South
Let me be safe and at rest.

Protect me my loved ones
keep me far from harm
leave me to live and be comforted,
full of strength and without alarm.

-Tricia Markin 2/4/10